My pain was annoying. It wasn’t life threatening or the result of a traumatic accident or degenerative disease; I hadn’t dealt with it for decades. But it was pain, and it lingered, and it had a negative impact on basic daily activities, like sleeping on my side and moving from standing to sitting or vice versa.
Then, in 2012, Mark Miller (PT, Dip. MDT), for a solid hour
or more, told me all the ways in which I was “deranged.” My reaction?
If I ever see that man on the street, I’ll tackle him with an affectionate
but borderline-illegal bear hug. (That
inappropriate impulse might actually support the “deranged” diagnosis in more
than one context, now that I think about it.
But consider yourself on notice, Mr. Miller: forewarned is forearmed.)
If you, too, are in pain, find someone trained in the
McKenzie Method to tell you you’re deranged.
Because I’ve learned hard lessons, and you should learn from my
mistakes.
Lesson #1: Stupid Human Gym Tricks Are Stupid
So a Stupid Human Gym Trick wrenched the hell out of my hip
and quad. Don’t ask; I won’t tell. What I will tell is that for 15 months or
more, every time I moved my hips or took steps or did anything with lower-body
impact, I re-learned the lesson to eschew Stupid Human Gym Tricks (instead, and
I can’t emphasize this enough, develop practical training goals, and follow a
coherent training plan developed by someone who knows something about those
goals and how to safely get you there).
And (spoiler alert) I’ll also tell how I developed my undying affection
for Mr. Miller and how the McKenzie Method brought me relief I didn’t think I’d
get without surgery.
Lesson #2: The Googlez is Not a Trained Health-Care Professional
Immediately after my Stupid Human Gym Trick fail, I was
simply happy I hadn’t broken my ankle.
But a few days later, I realized my thigh was sore, really really
sore. I hoped it would go away, so I backed
off my workouts, Googled, talked to friends, took anti-inflammatories,
stretched, foam rolled. These were, at
best, temporary Band-Aids. Months went
by (I let things linger longer than is probably advisable, which might be
Lesson #2.A: When Standing Up, Sitting Down, and Lying On Your Side All Hurt,
Take Action), and finally I sought out a health care professional trained in
Active Release Therapy (ART). I didn’t
have much guidance or experience with injury, and ART seemed like a reasonable
next step.
Yes, it was confirmed: big nasty adhesions in my thigh were
making my life hell. Under the direction
of a professional, there were x-rays, adjustments, massage therapy, heat, ice. Also, ultrasound and Graston. I was assigned do-at-home stretches, more
foam rolling, directions for icing. For
months, my thigh was so deeply and thoroughly bruised from my therapeutic
efforts that people would gape and demand, “What HAPPENED?” Someone once said, “It’s painful to look at.”
My quad pain improved but was still not gone. More troubling was that as I got some relief
in my thigh, I discovered hip mobility issues—I couldn’t squat below
parallel. When I asked about mobility, I
got more aggressive versions of the stretches I was already doing. When I asked if the pain would ever go
completely away, I got vague answers: “You might always feel a tweak,” “There’s
no way to know for sure,” “It may be worse if you’re fatigued.” None of those answers seemed right to me (do
people without major trauma, from things like car accidents and Action Movie
Balcony Dives, actually walk around every day in pain?), but I showed up for
every appointment, followed every instruction to the letter.
Eventually, my courses of treatment expired and my insurance
(yay! I have insurance!) refused to authorize
more visits. I tried more sessions
paying out of pocket, but after months when I still had pain and mobility
issues, when the relief seemed mostly temporary, and when the answers were
still more non-committal than I preferred, I abandoned that ship.
Lesson #3: If at First You Don’t Succeed. . . .
I had recently discovered powerlifting (yeah, I’m a gym rat
in my 40s, but I was a slacker and an obese couch potato through my early 30s,
so I’ve only begun to discover strength sports), and you can’t be a powerlifter
unless you can squat, to depth, and with weights as heavy as you can manage. I couldn’t get my hip crease even with the
top of my leg, much less below the
top of my leg for a legal squat. It
wasn’t that it hurt too bad to do it (although it did hurt, and it hurt even
more without a weekly dose of massage); it was that I just . . . couldn’t. And I wasn’t ready to go back to a life spent
entirely on the couch.
My Gym Wife had seen a therapist about knee pain and had gotten
great results. I knew, and liked, the
therapist personally. I signed up. This therapist gave me clear answers: yes, my
pain should go away entirely. Yes, I
should be able to squat to below parallel.
More manipulation followed, repetitive strength-building exercises for
my quad (“I think she’s a really capable therapist,” I told her assistant on my
bajillionth rep of a cable exercise, “but her choreography is SUPER boring.”),
more ultrasound, and valuable therapy for building a legal squat. I still had hip and thigh pain, but at least
I could get below parallel.
After a few more months of regular treatment and dutiful
compliance, I saw improvement in both hip mobility and relief in quad pain that
didn’t feel temporary. And I could
squat. But I still had pain. My therapist sent me to an orthopedist.
Lesson #4: Needles Don’t Always Work
I could tell my therapist was frustrated. I could also tell that she was working hard
to figure out how to fix me. She spent
lots of hands-on time diagnosing and treating.
She listened. She watched me
move. She gave me exercises that
addressed my weaknesses. When I did the
math about how much time she spent with me compared to what my insurance company
was paying. . . . (Lesson #4.A:
Insurance Is a Racket, But Just Try to Get By Without It). Nevertheless, I appreciated her honesty and
dutifully went to the orthopedist.
I had x-rays in the office before I saw him. He walked into the exam room, listened to me
say that I had hip pain that didn’t allow me to move beyond a certain point
without pain (he didn’t watch me move; he didn’t ask for much of a history),
told me my x-rays were fine, told me my Chuck Taylors were the “worst possible
kind of shoes” I could wear, told me to wear orthotic inserts inside heavily
padded running shoes, gave me a cortisone injection in my hip, and told me to
come back in two weeks if I still had pain.
Ten minutes later, he moved on to the next patient.
Meanwhile, I left to buy orthotic inserts. The pain never went away. The cortisone shot made no difference.
Two weeks later, he told me to go back to the therapist. And just to plan on not squatting. Ever.
Lesson #5: Sometimes Needles Do Work
Don’t get me wrong: I don’t love squatting. I’m not one of those weirdos who brags about
my squat (how much, how often, how deep, how many nights I dream about squatting)
and wears t-shirts emblazoned with sayings about how squatting will salve all
wounds, change your life, achieve world peace, and cure ebola.
Because any right-minded thinker knows bench press is the
only lift that matters.
But you have to have at least one legal (at or below
parallel) squat in a powerlifting meet before you can move on to bench press
and deadlift. And beyond a powerlifting
meet, you kind of have to be able to bend at the hips to do other things, like
standing up and sitting down and . . . well, other activities that aren’t
optional and that can’t be hygienically accomplished from a standing or lying
position. So not squatting wasn’t an
acceptable answer. I went back to the
therapist.
This was now a full year after the failed Stupid Human Gym
Trick (don’t ask; I’m still not telling), months of various forms of treatment,
and lots and lots of office visits and co-pays.
My therapist was still puzzled and frustrated by my pain. “Wanna try something really weird?” she
asked. How could I say no to an offer
like that?
Her colleague did dry needling. You can Google it. But the short version is that I let her
colleague stick needles into my leg until my muscles twitched involuntarily,
violently, and painfully. Very
painfully. After some treatments, I
could barely walk from my car to my front door.
If my pride had allowed it, I would’ve crawled up the three steps to my
front door. But after three or four
weekly treatments, my quad pain was gone.
Absolutely gone.
The hip pain, however, remained. My therapist called in another colleague,
they watched me move. They asked me
questions. She repeated my history and
treatment to her colleague. “Bursitis”
was their answer. Which (and I’m not a
professional here, so don’t take my word for it) I’m pretty sure boils down to “pain
because of something.” I had a vague
sense she might have thought it was a labral tear (which Google had told me
months before was “bad”—again, not a professional here, and see Lesson
#2). She reluctantly told me there was
nothing more she could do for me through therapy.
I was stuck.
Lesson #6: Sometimes Whining to the Right Person Works
So I whined. A
lot. Everywhere. At work, where MDs told me to just not
squat. To my friends, who love me
despite my whining. At the gym, where
people told me to foam roll and stretch in even more aggressive ways. I whined my way through 15-pound squats, and
then 20-pound squats, and then 33-pound squats, which were to depth (and it
took me months to get to 33), but were so painful that I couldn’t imagine ever
putting actual weight on the barbell. I
stretched and whined. Whined and rolled
and stretched and whined.
Enter Lynn Grimm, who is nice and patient and funny, but either
got tired of hearing me whine, or really likes a challenge.
She called me one Saturday out of the blue. “What are you doing today? Wanna come be a guinea pig for an MDT
training session?” I’m taking some
revisionist liberties here, because I’m sure she didn’t use the phrase “guinea
pig,” and I wasn’t informed enough to have remembered “MDT.”
“I think it would be really good for you,” she said. And that is
verbatim.
Why not? I had allowed
(nay, paid) people to crack my joints, scrape my muscles, bruise my leg, douse
me with ultrasound goo, and stick hollow needles into my leg and cortisone into
my hip, so how bad could it be to be a teaching Exhibit A? And what did I have to lose? Plus, I’m pretty boring and asocial, so my
Saturday was wide open.
Thirty minutes later, I was standing in front of a room full
of physical therapists and orthopedists at a training seminar for the McKenzie
Method led by Mark Miller.
“So you have hip pain,” he said. And he asked me to move and describe the
pain. He asked me a bunch of questions
about when the pain started, what I had done, when I noticed it. He asked me what I had tried to do to
alleviate it. I ticked off the months
and attempts. By this time, it was about
15 months since the Stupid Human Gym Trick (I’m still not telling; it wasn’t
that entertaining—just stupid), weeks at a time away from the gym, multiple
different courses of treatment with several different kinds of health care
professionals, unsatisfactory trips to an orthopedist, x-rays, adjustments,
manipulations, exercises, stretches, needling, changes in shoes. Pain, co-pays, frustration, disappointment.
“Did you have a cortisone shot?” he asked.
I was so caught up in the litany of failed efforts that by
this point, I had even forgotten the cortisone shot.
“So what is it that you ultimately want?” he asked.
“To be out of pain, and to be able to squat,” it seemed so
simple, but I felt stuck. And I was
probably close to tears.
“We’ve got to help her,” he said. “She’s tried everything, and she’s been all
around town,” [and NOW I felt so very . . . promiscuous] “trying to get help.”
“Sounds like she’s had some really bad advice,” someone
said. And I cringed. Because the truth was that I had gotten some
bad advice and had made some stupid decisions.
But I’d also gotten some really good care. I interjected: “My last therapist was actually
awesome: she and her colleagues got rid of all of my thigh pain and increased
my mobility. And she was honest enough
to tell me that my hip pain should be completely gone, but that she couldn’t
help me any more. I’m more frustrated
with the orthopedist because I feel like a hot potato, getting bounced around.”
“So what’s your next step?” Mark asked.
“I guess to be able to go back to the orthopedist and tell
him that I’ve tried everything, and that it’s time for an MRI.”
Lesson #7: Knives Should Be the Last Resort (and You’re Probably Not
There Yet)
Remember that it was a teaching seminar, so I got to hear
this awful little detail: “As frustrated as you are with the orthopedist,” he
turned to the seminar participants, “why doesn’t the orthopedist want to give
her an MRI?”
“Because,” he continued, “he knows that [insert a shockingly
high percentage here] of people in her demographic will have some kind of tear that
will show up on an MRI. And then he has
no choice but surgery. And then,” he
turned to me, “you’ll have the expense and pain and recovery time of surgery. But surgery might still not fix the pain.”
“Her demographic” might not have been his exact words, but I
remember thinking that he had diplomatically called me “old” and maybe even “the
worse for wear and tear.” And the
percentage probably wasn’t, like, 300% (again, I’m neither health-care
professional nor biostatistician) but I seem to remember that it was upwards of
60%. I am smart enough (and unlucky
enough) to know that those odds weren’t in my favor. None of this was looking good for me.
And for the record, viewing surgery as a last resort wasn’t
a new lesson I learned, but more like a shocking reinforcement of something I
already embraced: I try to stay as far away from medical
interventions as possible. Like, for
example, the time I told my husband as I was almost passing out on the kitchen
floor that we could probably just superglue my finger instead of going to the
emergency room for the gaping wound that the jagged black bean can lid had
gashed into my finger. Six stitches
later, I realized the superglue idea was on stupid par with the Stupid Human
Gym Trick that landed me in this hip pain mess to begin with. And I’m still not telling. But you get the point: if I was willing to
superglue my blood-gushing finger but was now considering requesting hip surgery, I
was at my wits’ end.
Mark Miller, PT, Dip. MDT |
Lesson #8: I Owe Mark Miller an Apology in My Head
“So what would you say,” Mark asked me, “if I could give you
one exercise to do for 48 hours that would reduce your pain by 80%?”
In my head, I said this: It sounds too good to be true. It sounds almost slick. Because I’ve been dealing with this for more
than a year and now you expect me to believe you can fix this in 48 hours? Because in college one summer, I got
hoodwinked into selling $1000 waterless cookware door-to-door simply because
the guy at the top of that pyramid scheme was pretty slick, so I know slick
when I hear it. And “one exercise, 48
hours” sounds pretty darned slick to me.
But I didn’t actually say
any of that because I’m more polite than that on the outside. Plus, I’d showered and driven to the seminar,
and I have no social life so I really had nothing better to do with my time. I’d also tried everything else I could think
of to try. What the hell? “I’d say, ‘Let’s give it a try.’”
So he watched me move some more. Asked me some more questions. Talked about derangement. Gave me an exercise. Asked me if it helped with the pain. It didn’t.
He asked me some more questions.
He gave me another exercise.
Asked me if it helped with the pain.
This one didn’t either.
I couldn’t tell whether this was amusing me that he had
slickly promised one exercise but none of his exercises were working, or
whether this was one more demoralizing, failed effort at trying to get rid of
hip pain that was my own stupid fault.
Then he gave me another exercise. It was simple—not pleasant, but not impossible,
and it was less painful than climbing stairs and sitting down had become. It required me to kneel on one knee and lean
in a particular way as far as I could. And
it worked. Immediately. The pain was better by at least 50%. I had at least another 3 or 4 inches of range
in my pain-free movement.
One movement that helped her |
Mark had me stop and talked to me (and the seminar
participants) about derangement. He talked
about how ball-and-socket joints work, and how they react to injuries. And he talked about derangement a little bit
more.
He had me repeat the exercise. A little bit less pain. A little bigger pain-free range. For the first time in more than a year, I was
genuinely, but cautiously, optimistic.
I went home with instructions to repeat the exercise every
few hours for the rest of the day, and to come back for the rest of the seminar
the next morning.
On my drive back to the seminar, I apologized in my head for
having dismissed “one exercise, 48 hours” as slick.
Lesson #9: Try It and See
I and my substantially less painful hip got to the seminar
early and sat in the back of the room.
Someone else was at the front of the room. Mark reminded the seminar participants of the
person’s history and the prescribed exercise.
“How do you feel now?” he asked.
“60% better,” responded the person.
I watched at least three or four other people in front of
me—people with elbow pain, heel pain, back pain. All of them had been assigned one
exercise. All of them felt better. OVERNIGHT.
I knew they weren’t shills or exaggerating, because I wasn’t
a shill, and I wasn’t exaggerating.
So when it was my turn, he watched me move, watched me do
the exercise, talked a little bit more about derangement (I was beginning to
think that now he was simply being gratuitous with the term, but as long as the
hip pain was abating, he was welcome to shower me with whatever thinly veiled
insults he chose. And I’d thank him for it).
“What about squatting with weight?” I ventured, hesitantly,
because so far every doctor and therapist I’d seen had said, simply, not to
squat.
“Try it and see,” and just like that, I had a reasonable
answer to a reasonable question. “If it still
hurts, you may need more help,” and he told me to see Lynn, who also told me
how to find other McKenzie-trained therapists.
No surgery, no shots, no invasive procedures, no lifestyle or shoe
wardrobe changes (although, seriously, I could use some fashion advice, but
that’s another topic).
It’s odd to say that I can’t remember when, exactly, the
pain stopped entirely, but it was very shortly after the seminar. Entirely gone. One exercise that I did for a week, maybe two
at the most. It’s stayed gone for two
years. I’m still wearing Chuck
Taylors.
My one-rep-max squat has
increased from 15 pounds to 225 pounds (which isn’t impressive by powerlifting
standards, but it’s a huge improvement for me.
FYI: I still don’t like squatting.), and I’ve successfully competed in
two powerlifting meets.
Chuck Taylor's |
But if this shoulder keeps bothering me, I’m going to go have
Lynn tell me I’m deranged and work some McKenzie Method magic, because bench
press is the only lift that matters.
And Mark Miller PT, Dip. MDT, better watch out the next time
he’s in New Orleans, because I’m gonna bear hug him out of gratitude. I’d squat him just for fun, but that would
violate Lesson #1, and I’ve learned that lesson the hard way.
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